Radio Show Airs Tomorrow

Siloam Missionary Homes in Snow Camp, North Carolina will be following our journey to surrendering to missions. Each month they will update our progress on their radio show called "A Place Missionaries Call Home." This show airs on 830 AM WTRU along with a few other stations across the country.

You can also listen to all three segments below.

Hands and Feet

First - an update from yesterday - after pitching a temper tantrum with God and coming back to being ok with God's timing and the peace that comes from being willing to surrender it all to him the day began.  It was a crazy day!  It was a stressful day!  It was a day that ended with the makings of a migraine - but right smack in the middle of it God said..."I heard you!  I still hear you!  I want to remind you that I am in control and I do care about you."  Our house has been on the market for 8 weeks - it has never shown on a weekday and it has never shown in bad weather and it hasn't shown in two weeks, so I have gotten kind of lazy about being sure the house is always in showing order.  In fact, yesterday when I left work it was raining and it was a Wednesday and there were dishes in the sink and laundry on the floor and beds were unmade and Christmas decoration boxes were open in the living room and half the house was decorated for Thanksgiving and half the house was decorated for Christmas and....  At noon the scheduling desk for house showings calls and a realtor wants to show the house at 3:15.  At 2:00 the scheduling desk calls again to schedule another showing at 4:30.  As much as I'd like to say the day ended with an offer on the house, it didn't.  But the day did end with my knowing, without a doubt, God does care.  He loves me and he cares for me and although He would much prefer we skip the temper tantrum to get to that point, He still loves me afterwards and He was willing to show me in a huge way.  (by the way, the house has never shown twice in the same day either)

Now on to the title of this post - Oswald Chambers in My Utmost For His Highest says today "I have to deliberately to give my sanctified life to God for His service, so that He can use me as His hands and His feet."  Makes me wonder and ask - what will I do today - not after we eventually get to the mission field, but right now right where am I to be His hands and feet.  I have to remind myself that this journey we are taking doesn't have a final earthly destination and quit focusing on the end and watch for the now.  I wonder how many opportunities I have missed over the last year by focusing on the "when we finally get there?"  May today God find me faithful in being used as His hands and His feet.

Temper Tantrum On It's Way

It's not fair!  It just isn't!  I'd like to sit down in the middle of my floor (of which I still own) and pitch a big, loud, fully explosive temper tantrum!  (ok friends - this is an honest post - so go ahead and admit to yourself you have wanted to do so recently too!)  I want to have a temper tantrum just like any child who has been told no by their earthly father, but I'd like to pitch one at what my heavenly father has said so far.

We still own a house!  It isn't fair.  I have asked God repeatedly to sell the house and yet his answer has been "in my perfect timing."  I know, I know!  That is really what I want - his perfect timing, but in the midst of chaos and mess and more there are times I think I would prefer my timing.  I learned yesterday that a friend sold their house in less than a week.  They didn't have a plan as to where they are going.  They are selling to move "up."  That is where my focus changed and I allowed sin to enter into my desires regarding the house. 


Follow this path of thought - 1)  we surrendered to missions - that is a good thing, God is proud; 2)  we commit to selling our material goods - that is a good thing, God is proud; 3)  we list our house on the market for the right price for the market, not what we would really like - that is a good thing, God is proud; 4)  we ask God to sell the house quickly so we can cut our housing expenses to be able to pay off some bills and save for the mission field - that is a good thing, God is proud; 5)  we are selling our house in this market for a spiritual reason, not an earthly reason - that is a good thing, God is proud and is going to bless right now, before he blesses "less spiritual reasons."  Anybody else see where I ended up at temper tantrum instead of peace?  Now please note - this is not the path I took from the beginning - only yesterday when jealousy and pride and all kinds of other sinful thoughts were allowed into my brain.  It was fast and it was easy and I was into full blown temper tantrum with God before I even realized it. 


So today's quiet time had to take a turn from my normal plans.  I could picture God sitting with me just listening and watching my temper tantrum (you parents of preschoolers can picture this too) waiting on me to turn to him and listen to Him.  Waiting on me to stop wanting my way so bad that I couldn't hear what He was saying.  Wanting it in my timing so bad that I couldn't trust that He really knew what was best for me, even though I can't see why waiting is best.  Waiting on me to take my eyes off everyone else and put them back on Him. 


How blessed I am that I do have a heavenly father that didn't just throw up his hands and say "when you are through with this temper tantrum and can be more spiritual and righteous, come find me, but until then you are on your own."  (I can hear me, a parent, saying something similar, can you?)  How grateful I am that my heavenly father never left me in the midst of my fit, never stopped loving me, never wavered in his plan, and most importantly - is willing, able, and wants to forgive me for the sin that led me to the fit.


This journey can be bumpy at times.  Sometimes the bumps feel like huge caverns in the road.  Most of the times these bumps come because I have put my focus back on me and what I can and am doing and want and taken them off the "driver."  Praise God that He never leaves the journey.  Thank God that although he knows I am going to veer off the road occasionally, He is going to stand firm in His direction and plan.  And be careful - it only took a few seconds to take control of the situation, let pride and jealousy fill my brain, and downhill went this journey. 


"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)  will be my prayer today.

Knee Deep in Paperwork

I had no idea how much paperwork it took to become a missionary.  In some imaginary land I believed you woke up one day, told God yes you'd go wherever he wanted to send, and the next you left.  Boy did I have it wrong!

First the initial application - it was relatively short and easy.  It was our first opportunity to tell the administrators of our sending agency that we wanted to go.  It was all about the exciting pieces of being called to missions.  It was fun.

Then came the next phase of paperwork - a little more detailed and a lot more questions.  Because we are working with an interdenominational organization we had to answer questions related to theology and scripture.  Make me think do I really know what I believe.  Then we had to come up with 7 references each (no duplicates) related to all the different aspects of our lives - work, family, friends, ministry, and more.  Best part of that phase was that we got to stop and realize how blessed we are with friends and coworkers who support our desire to be missionaries and who walk in the same faith that we share.

Then we waited.  Then all of a sudden the wheels began to turn and have turned in fast pace since then.  And to prove it, the paperwork has come in faster than we can finish it.  There is the application phase 2 - a chance to tell SEND about every aspect of our life, including writing an autobiography.  So how detailed am I supposed to be?  I wonder if they really want to know that I rode my bike to school as an elementary aged student and that my first car was a Ford Pinto?  Then the health questions came.  You wouldn't believe some of the questions they ask.  I know they are all for our good, but I do not remember how old I was when I had the chicken pox and where do you look for childhood immunization records when you are 44 (I have learned you can call the school system where you graduated from high school and they will have a copy)?  I am doing much better at completing the health forms for Alex - he's only 11 so my memory doesn't have to be as good.  Pray for us as we dig out all the answers.

Then there is the prayer card.  We need a family portrait. We have been discussing family pictures for six months - guess now it is time to actually to do it.  I am thinking white shirts with either black pants or blue jeans.  Something casual - now on to the location.  Any suggestions?

Orientation is in January and since we have almost finished the pile of paperwork we have now, they sent us some more.  Spiritual gift surveys and personality surveys and more.  When we finish the paperwork I will know more about myself than I ever did.

But the exciting part of the process has been that as I have had to figure out all these answers we have reminisced about forgotten memories.  Made me think of friends I have lost contact with (and even took time out to look up a few) and made me stop and tell the kids some stories of their childhoods.  I guess I'll have to add all the paperwork to my list of things I'll choose to be thankful for.

Praise and Prayer

We want to give praise to God for:

• Being a God who is trustworthy, faithful, loving, purposeful, caring, merciful, full of grace, forgiving, my stronghold, my protector, and more.
• Knowing all - what happened yesterday, is happening today, and will happen tomorrow
• Giving life - not just a life of breathing and heart beats, but a full life - one that is able to enjoy every moment
• Fall - the colors of fall give such a beautiful picture of God's creativity - not a boring, stone god, but one who is the creator of beauty.
• His plan - He could have chosen to save the world without the "help" of man, but instead he has allowed us, ME, to be a part of the blessing of seeing men and women, boys and girls, begin their relationship with Him.  There is nothing more exciting!
• Tears - I don't particularly like to be sad and shed the tears, but imagine life without emotions.  Oh what we would miss!

We ask you to join us in asking God for:

• Direction - we are making lots of decisions quickly.  Pray that we hear God's direction in every decision we make.
• House - our desire is for the house to sell today (alright, its 8:00 at night, so it isn't going to sell today, but tomorrow would be ok).  Pray that it sells quickly and for the right price.  We are specifically asking that God sell the house so that by the time we go to Candidate Orientation Program in January the house is sold and we are moving. 
• Finances - pray that we will be committed to looking at tomorrow and not today with every financial decision we make.  Keep us focused on the long term goals and not the rewards of today.
• Paperwork - we have lots of paperwork to complete over the next two weeks.  Pray for time to complete the paperwork, answers to be clear, and for SEND personnel to read them and hear our hearts, even if the words aren't right.
• Home Visit - we have scheduled our home visit for December 10.   Pray for the safe travel of the SEND interviewer and for the time we will spend visiting in our home. 

Thank you for your support and friendship; this is definitely a group journey!

Field Trip

I took a field trip Wednesday to Siloam Missionary Homes (http://www.siloamhomes.org/).  It is a retreat center that provides homes for missionaries while they home for either medical visits or stateside stays.  It is located on a beautiful piece of property in Snow Camp, North Carolina (a little community outside Burlington).  The homes have all been built with donated money, materials, and labor.  The homes are beautifully decorated and are a variety of sizes.  They are provided for minimal rent charges.  The field trip opened my eyes to new ministry opportunities, but even more to the realities that we have surrendered our lives to.

We watched a video promoting the homes that pointed out the needs of missionaries.  Realities that I knew in my head, but had not really totally considered.  I knew we would sell our house and our worldly goods and move to some other country, but what were we to do in four years when we come home on furlough?  Live with my parents for a year?  Who is going to rent an apartment to Americans who have not been in the country for four years who have no employment?  Not to mention, how are we going to afford the average cost of an apartment?

What about when we are too old to continue to serve on the mission field?  No house to sell to allow us to move into some type of retirement home.  Will we live with our children and their families at this point? 

I know that God is going to provide for those needs, but the reality is big.  Each day I learn a little more about all that I have surrendered.  The journey is exciting, but along the way there are many road signs.  Pray that as we continue on this journey we keep our eyes on the prize - obedience to God and an opportunity to impact at least one person's life for Christ.

Crossing the Finish Line

I did it!  I not only finished my first 5K race, I wasn't the last person to cross the finish line.  And to make it even better, I was still running when I reached the finish line!  Anyone need proof that miracles still happen? This is a big one.

I started in the spring doing the Couch Potato to 5K program. (http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml)  It is suppsoed to be a 9 week program that is interval training.  Well, it took me a little longer than 9 weeks to finish the program, but I stuck with it and I finished the program and the race.  Now I still can't run as fast as the program trains you for and I am definitely better at flat land that hills, but I finished.

It felt good to finish something physical.  I am so not athletic!  I have always throught I would like to run, but I have a great aversion to sweating, but this was worth it.

Now on to the next race - I am running in the Gobbler on Thanksgiving morning with Hannah (Scott and Alex did the race yesterday too).  It isn't quite as flat, but am excited anyhow. 

Anyone wanna join me?

I'm NOT in Control!!!

I am a planner.  I like to know what I am going to do today, tomorrow, and hopefully next week too.  I like to have check lists and I like to see things checked off each day.  I like to have lots of things going at once because you can almost always see progress in at least one of the projects at all time.  I like black and white and no shades of gray.  I am not a visionary but instead I am an implementer.  You dream it and I'll get it done. 

I am usually good at making decisions because I'll search until I know the answers to all the questions.  I research it, make lists, and can usually come to a good decision.  I can handle major projects with little notice, just give me a pad and let me make a list of what we need to accomplish.  I especially like it when everyone wants to follow my list in my order.

There is a big problem with all of the things above.  Almost every sentence started with "I."  I can do all that in my power.  As long as I have control I can do pretty good.  But guess what.  Very little of life is done my way with my being in control.  So what do I do with the remainder of my life where I am not in control?  The majority of my life?  What do I do when I know that what is happening to me is totally out of my control?

My first response is to grab a big piece of gooey chocolate dessert and a great chic flick and hide on the couch as if life isn't happening.  My next response is to panic and try to regain control.  Eventually I often even hit meltdown (and I'll spare you the details of how that looks).  But you know, when all this is done I am still not in control.

So if I'm not in control, then who is?  God is!  Nothing in my life surprises him!  Nothing in my life is out of His control.  He doesn't even need my help or even one of my lists.  He can handle my life (and yours) all by himself.  But the question is, will I let him?  Why do I fight it so much?  I never win.  Why can't I just let him have it from the beginning? I'd save myself (and all those around me) a lot of grief and torture.  I wonder what it will take for me to decide from the beginning to let Him be in contol instead of me. 

My first step is to decide that I trust Him enough with my life to let Him be in control.  My needing to control him is a symptom of not trusting.  Ouch!  Letting go of control is where the rubber hits the road - my faith hits life.  Do I (or do you) trust Him with your life totally and completely that I don't need to be in control anymore?

My second step is time in prayer.  One day I pray that I master letting go without the temper tantrums of a toddler, but to get there I'm going to have to spend a lot of time with God, letting Him remind me time after time that He is trustworthy.  If I just stop planning (and list making) and listen, God will show me His plan and His list.  He doesn't need my help, but I have to be quiet and still to hear it from Him.

Thirdly I need to memorize scripture that reminds me He knows every detail of my life - the number of hairs on my head, whether I am standing or sitting, the thoughts of my mind, ... If he knows the whole picture (more than I could ever know) doesn't it make sense He makes a better "driver" in my life than I do?  But when Satan starts to whisper those lies in my ear about God needing my help I need scripture to remind me that God is doing just fine without my help.

How about you?  Are you still in control?  Are you just trying to help God out a little?  Guess what - He doesn't need your help anymore than He needs my help.  I pray that you and I both get it - we cannot be in control of our lives.  It just doesn't work and when we try it is definitely a lot of useless work.  I pray that today and tomorrow and the tomorrows that are coming I will be ready to move out of the way and let God be in charge.  I'll still make lists and I'll still try to organize everything and everyone, but the difference is that God will direct my lists and organizing and timing and plans and more.  We are in for the "ride of a lifetime" and my God is trustworthy of directing the ride!

Send International

Wow!  Go from no posts to three posts in two days...lots of catching up to do.

After a lot of searching and praying and investigating and questioning and etc we began the application process with Send International.  I invite you to wander through their website and learn about them.  They are a smaller sending agency with the focus of church planting through discipleship.  They are much smaller than the IMB and therefore they are in fewer countries.  Their primary focus is Europe, Asia, and Canada. 

Because of their size they are able to make more individualized decisions which is a plus for our family.  They have missionaries serving in their organization from all over the world.

They are a faith based organization which is stretching our faith.  As we work through the process we will begin to raise our own support.  We are learning a lot about faith and obedience.

Pray for us as we work through the process - things seem to be moving quickly right now - so watch for updates in the near future.

SEND International

Days in the Desert

When I think of a desert I think of dry, parched land.  I picture scenes from movies where the character is alone and dragging themselves across the sand and searching for water or people.  They are usually searching for someone to rescue them from dying in the desert.

The only description I can find for the past months is that of a walk in a vast desert.  It has been lonely at times and dry and seems to go on forever.  There seemed to be  no one to rescue from the desert, no one to offer a drink of water.

Now let me be careful to say that this wasn't a lonely walk because people weren't around, but instead because it was a journey that I needed to take with God.  People around me were encouraging and asked to pray for us.  People were in that desert with me, but the walk God had planned wasn't one of fellowship with others, but fellowship with Him.

He intended to teach  me that He was the sole author of the plan for my life.  He was the water that quenched my thirst and the director of my paths.  Because we  reached a no in the journey didn't mean He had changed.  He needed my attention to teach me some things.

One of the biggest lessons I learned in the desert was that God was trustworthy and that He still speaks.  I learned that I needed to first run to God and trust that He would answer my prayers and show me the way.  I had the formula backwards - God will speak and he will use circumstances and people to confirm His speaking.  I tended to listen to people and circumstances and beg God to confirm what they were saying to me.  Dangerous ground to tread on.

It took not sharing a lot of things with people and focusing on listening to God, but I can tell you that He will speak when we choose to listen.  He will make His way clear.  He is trustworthy.

Would I chose to intentionally wander for 10 months in a desert?  Absolutely not - I prefer cool weather and lots of fellowship.  Would I trade the lessons I have learned in the last 10 months.  Definitely not!  I have found a friend who so greatly desires to rescue me from a dry desert and lead me beside still waters!

The Wheels are Turning

It's been about ten months since I wrote and now I don't know where to begin. I have known that it was time to resume the telling of this journey but couldn't figure out how to condense the last ten months into a single post so I kept postponing. Finally decided today to just begin to tell the journey and fill in the blanks as I go along. I'll try to not write books with each post, but good luck in catching up with this roller coaster ride.

When we last talked, the IMB told us that we were not a fit for their organization. They recommended we wait at least three years, let Scott get a seminary degree, and we no longer have teenagers in the house. What a blow! We knew that God had placed the call of missions on our life, yet we were being told no.

Ten months later the emotions still rise quickly to the surface as I think of those days. We argued with God, with man and with each other. We searched to hear what God was telling us through man. How could we know so confidently that we had heard from God yet hit a solid wall in the progress? What did God want us to learn. When the emotions calmed down we searched and begged God to show us His plan. Over the next few posts I'll tell you about the many lessons we learned, but the first thing I have to tell you is that we learned that God was still God. His plan had not changed. His love for us had not changed. His call on our life had not changed. And most importantly - He didn't leave us when we heard the answer no.

God is God, no matter what. No matter what man says, God will be God. God will use everything to accomplish His plan. God's plan can not be thwarted. God will reign over everything. God was not surprised with the IMB answer and God used it to shape us a little more into the people we need to be for His perfect plan.

In some ways I would describe the last ten months as standing still, but as the wheels have begun to turn again, I realize that we have never stopped moving, just not at my preferred pace. So hold on and join me for the ride of a lifetime. I can promise you it is full of curves and hills and the speed will vary from moment to moment. But even more, I can promise you that God has a lot to teach me (and maybe you).

A Curve in the Road

In my first blog entry I wrote the following:

This is "the ride of a lifetime." I know that there are many ups and downs to come, but I am already discovering that walking this close to God brings with it more joy, peace, excitement, and love for people than one can imagine. Whatever the IMB decides, I pray that I grab every moment of the journey and spend it right up close to Christ! No longer will I be satisfied with just planning for people to share the love of Christ, I will participate.

It is easier to say these things when the journey is going your way than when the journey reaches a curve in the road. But we have decided we will not trade in the calling of God for short term comfort. The IMB consultant called last week and shared that the team is recommending we complete several steps before moving on in the process. Their timeline is three years, but we are waiting to see what God has planned. Honestly, the answer was hard to hear. We yelled at God, cried, questioned, prayed, talked, and experienced every emotion possible. We know without a doubt that God has called us to missions and we believe that we will be on the mission field. If God says it is in three years, we are willing to wait and prepare as we wait. If God says it is to be tomorrow, we believe He is big enough to work through all the hurdles that are ahead of us.

I read My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers every day. Here is what he wrote for yesterday:

"Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in "the shadow of His hand" (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a "darkness" that comes from too much light-that is the time to listen. The story of Abram and Hagar in Genesis 16 is an excellent example of listening to so-called good advice during a time of darkness, rather than waiting for God to send the light. When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God's displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him (see Isaiah 50:10-11 ).

Do I trust at all in the flesh? Or have I learned to go beyond all confidence in myself and other people of God? Do I trust in books and prayers or other joys in my life? Or have I placed my confidence in God Himself, not in His blessings? "I am Almighty God . . ."— El-Shaddai, the All-Powerful God (Genesis 17:1). The reason we are all being disciplined is that we will know God is real. As soon as God becomes real to us, people pale by comparison, becoming shadows of reality. Nothing that other saints do or say can ever upset the one who is built on God."

The answer from the IMB was darkness for us. But we have learned to go beyond all confidence in ourselves and other people and trust totally in God. What God has planned for our lives will happen, maybe not according to our time line, but according to his perfect will.

Although the answer hurt. The answer was disappointing. The answer hurt our pride. The answer shocked us. The answer did nothing to God's plan. The answer did not change God's character. We have chosen to continue to stand confident in his will.

As for the logistics to the answer of the IMB we have some hurdles we must work through.

1) The house must sell. Today's economy is not the best one to be selling a house in, but we know that God's hand is all over it. Want proof? Schools were cancelled today due to snow, the roads were yucky, and yes, we showed the house today! Please pray that the house will sell in God's timing and where we are to live until we go to the mission field will be obvious. When the house sells we will have to make some big decisions, especially regarding Hannah's education. She has asked for a change in schooling for next year and finances and location of our next home will be an important factor in how we approach that situation.

2) The IMB felt that Scott's job skills and education needed to be addressed. He has applied to Liberty University to begin working on a seminary degree. We do not know if he needs an entire degree or just a certain number of hours, but he hopes to begin his first class in March. Pray for him as he undertakes a task that he thinks is bigger than anything he has tried before. He is nervous about the paper writing that will come with such a degree. I am nervous about being the supportive wife as I pick up extra tasks so that he can devote time to studies.

3) We still believe we are called to Ukraine. Ukraine's political situation is tenuous and we know that things could change in an instant. We will begin to prepare for life there now, including beginning to work on the language. Scott is good at learning languages, I was told on my last trip that I should never go anywhere without a translator. Cindy will be going to Ukraine in May. Pray for the people she meets as she tries out the few words she will have learned before then.

We thank you for all your prayers and support as we travel this journey. The journey isn't over and we know there are many more curves in the roads ahead, but we know that God will be faithful. Pray that we keep our eyes focused on Him and that we do not let disappointment keep us from absolute obedience.

Your Greatest Confidant

OK - I like people. I like being around people. I like talking to people. I like to have people at my house. I find a quiet car very difficult to deal with. I want to be on the phone withe someone (you should see my cell phone bill) or have someone talking to me. I don't often listen to music while traveling, but I love talk radio and recorded books. It's almost like having someone to talk to. I usually call Scott while I am driving to and from work just so that he can talk to me while I drive. My own personal entertainment. (anytime you wanna talk - just call while I'm in the car - Scott would appreciate the repreive) When things are going great I want to talk to someone, when things are going really bad I want to talk to someone. I was a pretty good kid growing up, but there were a few times I got in trouble (my parents and sister may say more than a few). I still vividly remember in the first grade having tape put on my desk as a threat if I didn't stop talking.

Monday, I had a new experience. I couldn't talk to anyone. Not because no one was around or because no one wanted to talk, but because I realized the only one I could talk to was God. We had our "interview" with the IMB. This was a chance for an IMB representative to get to know us face to face and for us to ask questions. We went into this interview confident we were following God's lead and that we were going to walk away encouraged and excited. It didn't go that way. We were reminded of the seriousness of this process and the changes it was going to require. We were asked a lot of questions. Hurdles were laid out for us, not successes. And then we were told to wait. Whether we move on in this process was put in the hands of the IMB team and we were told that we would hear sometime next week.

We left with such raw emotion that Scott and I couldn't even really talk to each other. I knew there were people wanting to hear how it went, but I couldn't talk to them. For one of the first times in my life I didn't want to talk, at least not to people. I needed to talk to God. It's been almost three days and I have spent a lot of time in converstion with God, two way conversation. He called me into this journey and He is still walking it with me.

He has asked the question - are you willing to walk what you say you believe? Do you believe with more than words that I (God) am greater than any man, organization, or hurdle? Do you believe that I will have my way or do you believe that there are hurdles that are bigger than me? Do you really believe that all things works for the good of those who believe or just some things?

We have no more of an idea today than Monday what will happen next week. This may be the end of this journey, this may be a slow down period, or this may be just a time that God wanted to see who we would turn to when things got rough. Only God knows. But I do know, that through these last three days I have learned that there is no greater friend than God. I know that at those times when you can't describe what you feel or put words to your thoughts, God knows. I know that there is value in silence, because you can hear a lot more when you are quiet than talking. I know that I do believe that God is good and all powerful. I know that God will see us through to accomplish his will, regardless of how we think it may look.

So now we wait. We will wait until next week and see what turns this journey may take. But we will wait knowing that God is trustworthy and caring. He has not taken us this far to leave us. Do we really believe that?

That loud "CLICK"...

...you just heard was the roller coaster just before it lets go at the top of the hill. Sigh.

We had our interview with our consultant today. Cindy and Hannah and I had a little sit down with the IMB representative to talk about our application and the process. The gentleman was extremely nice, professional... etc. I just didn't come away from the meeting with a warm, fuzzy feeling about our chances. He expressed some reservations about several different areas. He didn't tell us "Go away...don't bother me." The IMB feels a great responsibility to not place families into a ruinous situation.

I had really been blessed with God's peace prior to the meeting. I thought I was OK with whatever His will is for my life. Then I realized I was OK with God's will when it coincided with my own. Well, isn't this a fine mess I find myself in?

I really want to be in the middle of God's plan for my life, but I have my own wants and desires too. It is this situation that leads to willful sin. I need to want Gods will for my life more than I want my own desires. I'm working on it. Really, I am. This internal monologue is progress. I do pretty well for an hour or so, then I throw a tantrum hoping God will give in just to make me shut up and go away! (I know God doesn't work like that. He's a much better father. And I won't believe you parents reading this if you say you've never done it!!)

I wrote this verse down on a piece of paper this morning and stuck it in my pocket so that I could keep reading it today:

"For I know the plans I have for you." declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I guess the the whole issue boils down to this: Do I believe what He says? Do I really trust that God means me well and has my prosperity in mind? I believed it this morning. Nothing about God changed. I really do believe that, but I want what I want as well.

I'm sure the solution involves me giving in. I'll be working on that for the next little while.

Scott

On Being Process Oriented

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

I tend to be more focused on the goal than the process. This is usually OK. My profession involves pushing people and materials toward goals that they don't necessarily share with myself. I have to be careful that I don't become focused on the goal to the exclusion of considering the means, but being goal oriented is not normally a bad thing for me.
God is so much more process oriented than goal oriented. At this time of year, Christmas and the birth of Jesus are at the forefront of our conversations. If God was goal oriented He would have installed a fully adult Jesus as an earthly King of the World. He could sit on His throne and solve the problems of anyone He deems worthy. It really would have cut out a lot of the messy parts of the story! Instead God comes to earth as man, born of a virgin. He spends years growing to adulthood. Then He starts working with a whole group of unreliable people. (Your going to build your church on PETER???) A few years later Jesus allows Himself to be hung on a cross and crucified. What kind of process requires the protagonist to die? Any man looks at this process and sees madness. What goal could God possibly be headed towards?
God doesn't want us to be quite so goal oriented. That's His job. Our job is to wait patiently for His will to be revealed to us. Our job is to be certain that we remain in His will. My biggest problem is that I'm a very inconsistent Christian at this point in my life. I know that I want to be in God's will. Every once in a while I get goal oriented again and I want to start driving the process towards my goal. Notice I said MY goal. Whenever I take the wheel it's to be MY goal. It's not God's. God's process sometimes seems messy. It very often seems headed towards goals that are, shall we say, sub-optimum. But only the driver really knows where we are going and how we are to get there. Even though it sometimes seems like we are careening out of control down a one-way street I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride.
We have been very goal oriented lately as we fill out our medical forms and schedule interviews, etc. If I had my way, we would spend 48 hours immersed in the application process and the IMB would render a decision and we would go on with our lives as missionaries or not. Thank God for Christian brothers. Tim Judy reminded me today to enjoy the process and stop focusing quite so much on the goal. God doesn't want us to just float with the wind as even He has a plan in which we are invited to participate. But He does want us to let go of the planning.
I suspect that God has a very full slate of concepts that I need to learn in the next year. I am so thankful that teaching me is not my responsibility! I am impatient for the process to move along. I've made the decision to give up anything and everything if that is what I'm called to do. Now I am learning that control of the destination is part of what I'm giving up.
Scott

Hannah's Beginning

This has been one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had! There have been some hard days here and there. I am ready to go out and tell everybody I meet that I might have an opportunity to live out my dream as a teenager! This is what I want to do with the rest of my life so why not start now. I have always had the dream to live in South America so at first the thought of going to Ukraine was hard and I really wanted to go somewhere that the people spoke Spanish, but now I am fine going anywhere. It has been really hard trying not to have the mindset of this is the last everything, especially Christmas. No one understood why I was making such a big deal about Christmas this year and I wanted to tell them so bad. Overall this is an experience that I am glad I am having whether we go or not.

Christmas

Christmas has had a different feel to it this year.  We committed to spending less and doing the holiday on a smaller scale.  Every gift we give is filtered through the idea that we might be leaving the country and don't need any more junk.  We are decluttering our lives and don't want to add to it.   The kids were happy with what they got and never thought twice about why it was smaller.  Maybe the need for the hype is more on the parents part than the kids?

Every piece of the Christmas tradition at my house has been experienced through joy and tears.  I have tried to be sure I didn't miss anything, because who knows - this may be our last Christmas here in the states with family around.  In a "down" moment a co-worker said to me earlier this week "who knows, you may still be here next Christmas."  But I responded, but what if I'm not and I missed doing something this year.

Then I stopped and thought.  Why does it matter if this is the last Christmas here or not?  No one has the guaranttee of tomorrow - not here in the states nor in some foreign country.  No guarantee of another Christmas or for that matter, no guarantee of another day.  Why am I not living every day as if today could my last?

Am I taking time to cherish every moment?  Am I loving every one around me as if today may be the last time they see me?  Am I leaving everything in a condition that would be pleasing if I never returned?  

"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come." (Matt 24:36).  Am I keeping watch or am I trusting in a tomorrow?

The To Do Lists

The focus of this journey can so easily become about the process instead of the call.  I know that the process is necessary and I do appreciate that the IMB is so meticulous in its screening of candidates, but at the same time I want to just yell "let me go!"  Of course, I must also say that I recommend not doing the process at the Christmas season.  How crazy is it to try to prepare a house to sell at Christmas?

One of the first decisions we had to make was that we were more in love with our God than our stuff.  For the most part we have let go of our stuff, but there are still occasionally those things that we thought we would have forever that bring tears.  Sometimes there are even outright full crying fits, especially when it comes to our carpet - the object of the majority of my tears.  I asked for carpet for 5 years and finally got it - just so that I can give it away.  We had to replace the carpet to prepare the house to sell.  I know, crazy, but the process does crazy things to you.

The forms and required information are overwhelming.  There are 5 health questionnaires, 2 educational reviews, 2 MMPIs, 5 dental forms, and an interview looming in the future.  Hours every night to try to gather it.  And just exactly where do you go to find an immunization record for a 45 year old man who was born in Egypt and then moved to NC at age 1?  Again, I know it is necessary - but why can't it just go faster?

And of course the house is for sale.  We got 15 minutes notice last Saturday that it was going to be shown and I of course had four loads of laundry on the floor and Christmas baking covering the kitchen.  We ran like madmen around only to find it was just a realtor previewing it or a family who is moving here in the spring and it was have been OK to just straighten up the kitchen and not ruin a batch of goodies.  Because the economy is so slow right now we have given the realtor permission to show the house at any time, even if they can't get in touch with us so it has to be in showing condition every time we walk out the door.  My prayer is that the house sell soon.  

The process also changes how you look at things around you.  I know God requires of to be faithful to the end of one journey, even as he is moving us to a new path, but it is hard.  There is so much excitement and to do lists that it is difficult to not "check out" of this life.  My frustration with my coworkers is at top level and at times I just want to walk out today.  Christmas is in a week and I'd be ok to just skip the things and spend time with family.  But Christmas is still going on for others. For example, we had dirty Santa at the staff party.  It was hard to be excited about any of the things knowing that hopefully in a few months we will be doing away with things.  But it is also an emotional roller coaster, because although I didn't want any of the stuff, I really wanted a musical duck.  (and my dear friends made sure I got one later)  So I cried over bringing home "junk" and cried about not bringing home "junk."  What a roller coaster!

What have I learned from all this?  Follow Jesus.  Sounds simple, but it surely isn't.  First lesson I have learned in regards to following Jesus is be sure you are following Jesus and not man.  Every person's journey is going to be different.  I must be sure that I am first listening to Christ and his commands and filtering others advice through what he is saying to me.  I am not saying do not listen to the wisdom of others, but also be sure that I am first hearing from God.

Second, follow Christ's example.  At the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus chose to get away from the disciples and spend time alone with God.  He left the busyness and the people to spend time just with God.  If it was necessary for Jesus, how much more necessary it is for me?  I am a people person and would spend every moment with crowds if possible, but it isn't good for me.  I must remember through this whole process to stop and spend time alone, not just my quiet time, but more.  How can I truly follow Jesus if I don't stop to hear him?

I would pray that the process would end quickly, but the journey is worth the struggles.  Oh how I yearn to be found faithful on this journey, even in the process of "to do lists."

The House

The house goes on the market in 48 hours! We are still very early in the application process but have determined that regardless where the IMB process takes us, we will sell our house and get 100% out of debt. We will then decide where life takes us. This is a lot of work. I have discovered that we have way too much stuff that we never use. What a waste it is that we have allowed our material things to accumulate this way. May we be better stewards with every penny we have not only through this process, but after - regardless where we land.

With the listing of the house comes a whole new set of issues. We are praying specifically that the house will sell this month and we can move on from this step - but wait, we don't have anywhere to move. We have no plan if the house sells immediately, but know that God has one. (If you are reading this some time long after the date of this process you need to remember we are listing our house for sale in the month of December right after the housing market totally fell apart - according to the realtor there are almost as many houses for sale that are either in foreclosure or close to it as there are houses for sale for other reasons. It is not the ideal time to be selling).

The realtor said to get it ready for showing we needed to replace the upstairs carpet and declutter. Carpet is set to be replaced Monday - for the past three years I have talked about replacing it, and now we are replacing it for someone else. Isn't life just odd sometimes? As for the clutter - the amount is ridiculous. For awhile I packed pondering each item as to where we might end up and if we would need it. The reality of the whole process became more and more real with each item that we packed up. Oh so many tears were shed. Now, I have a deadline and we are just packing.

I know the first time I drive up to a For Sale sign in the front yard will be hard. It's not that I am attached to the house, it is a reminder of what lies ahead. At times I can hardly wait, and at other times I begin to focus on the things in my life and I am sad. The lesson I am learning today is that I truly have to decide what drives my heart, is it a love for God or a love for people and things. I guess that is a battle that I will face for a long time.

With the sign also comes the public knowing we are moving. Scott says I should never play poker because I can't hide anything! We are trying to not tell the whole world that we have applied (we are still very early in the process), yet it is all over my face when someone wants to know why we are selling. I am trying to be wise in the process, but at times I'd like to throw all caution to the wind and tell the whole world. Guess I am also learning (sometimes the hard way) to let God control my mouth. Our pray is that we never lie to anyone in the process and yet we also use wisdom in our answers. That may be harder than selling all our wares and moving to a foreign country.

If you are reading this as it is posted, I ask that you join us in prayer for the sale of the house. Our prayer is that it is quick and the price is right. When we started the process I would have told you that if God wanted us to go to the mission field he would sell the house quickly, I would have seen it as a fleece. No longer, he has so confirmed that we are hearing what he wants us to do today that instead I look at the sale of the house as an indication of his time table and blessing on the commitment to become debt free. I don't need the fleece, I know that today I am sitting in the middle of his outstretched arms and sincerely pray that I remain there. There is no better place to be!

My Beginning-Scott

I was raised in a Methodist Church in Jacksonville, NC. I wouldn't say that we were very active in missions, although we heard the occasional missionary story and gave to UNICEF every year. it was really something that other people did.

After coming to Cornerstone, I began hearing more about missions and it was from the point of view of people who were actually planning on Doing. For several years missions was still something that other people did.

Our family participated in a construction/VBS mission trip to Maine with Cornerstone. I wasn't completely sure that this missions thing was for me but I was willing to go along. I loved the trip and ministering to Christians needing love and support in Maine.

I later felt a call to participate in a planned mission trip to India. This trip was canceled due to the tsunami of 2004. I eventually began to discuss going on a mission trip to Ukraine with Marsha Judy. I had no idea what I had obligated myself for. The trip was a conference for pastors in Ukraine and the surrounding areas. The goal was to encourage and uplift the pastors so that they would be rejuvenated for service in their own ministries. I thought I had volunteered for some sort of background or support role. Before I knew it, I was "preaching". Marsha has a knack of getting people to do things that they don't believe themselves capable of doing.

God blessed me through our Ukraine mission trip and I was changed in ways that I didn't quite yet understand. Over the next year or so I began to understand that I was experiencing a call to full time missions. I was still a very immature person and Christian. I wasn't really ready to go at that point but God knew His timing. Cindy really wasn't ready at that point either.

Cindy and I have joked about the idea of going to the mission field for a couple of years, but I don't think she really took me seriously. I eventually understood that this was a calling experienced by a couple and that she couldn't or shouldn't be rushed into it by me. I was convicted to wait for God's time for her. In October 2008 we took a family vacation to Myrtle Beach and the subject of missions came up. I said something about going and Cindy realized for the first time that I was serious. The next 24 hours was a blur for both of us as we began to seriously consider making the idea become reality.

We committed to pray about the idea for a month. It took about two weeks for us to realize that we really had been called and it was time to do something about it. The month since then has been a blur. The idea has gone from abstract to concrete. We are now trying to get our house ready to sell. We are listing our possessions for sale. We are considering who we need to tell now and who we should wait to tell. (If you are a friend reading this and you weren't one of the first ones we told, please don't take it personally! We know you all love us. We are sometimes concerned about our employment situations and how this knowledge might affect our jobs.)

God has been very good to me. He has held my hand and comforted me throughout this process. I'd like to say I never had any doubts, but that would be a lie. I've worried about how I would take care of my family. I've worried about how past sins might affect my ministry in the future. I've worried that I'm not going to be "good at it". I've even worried about some of the things I knew I was going to have to give up. But mostly I've been filled with joy at the prospects of serving God with my life. I am beginning to feel a fulfillment that I've never known before.